Frustration. Vent. Grrr.
So yes, I'm aware that title is not hugely inviting but it's exactly what I need to do right now as my head is lodged somewhat largely in my backside. Basically, I feel unwell and it's scaring the shit out of me a tad. I know some people at this point may be thinking, 'you're a lucky girl to have got rid of the cancer, don't moan, think about the positives, look forward' and I TOTALLY agree with you all...however, it can prove difficult at times when I don't feel physically tip top. This, of course, is bound to happen and will continue to do so for however long, with the Tamoxifen side effects and recovery etc; but it doesn't take away the fact that deep down I'm terrified of it coming back or maybe not being totally gone.
If you've been keeping up with my blog over these past few months or if you even know me at all personally, you'll know I surrender very little time to feeling sorry for myself, and to be honest, that's not what I'm doing now. I'm just finding it difficult to turn my thoughts around from being fearful and to trust my body not to let me down again. I say let me down because it feels like that sometimes. I know it was just something that happened and there's neither rhyme nor reason to why the fucker strikes anyone, it can just be so frustrating that it happened and that every time I feel somewhat unwell, I'm bloody worrying about it again. In a nutshell, it pisses me right off. I hate that it can take over my mind the way it does and no matter how hard I try, I can't shake it as easily as I've previously been able to do. Hiding it well externally but not so easy to myself.
So like I said, I need to vent, I need to get these thoughts, words, anxieties and rage out onto the page in an attempt to release my mind in whatever big or small way that I can. I will simply not allow myself to feel like this for any length of time because I know it can do me no good whatsoever. It smothers logic, reason and positivity and that's quite simply NOT ME. I try to see the good in most things and have maintained positivity throughout as best I can, while always allowing myself to feel low when it's needed and then picking things back up by the collar and focusing on the positives.
I suppose there are different cycles to go through although I'm not sure what order is normal. Maybe there is no normal; you just encounter each stage as it comes, ride it out and move onto the next whenever it arrives. Fear, grief, positivity, anger, acceptance, frustration, joy, disbelief, relief...they're all in there with more besides and they can crop up at any time, some more than once. There ain't no formula to it, that's for sure, you just face it and stay on top of it really, or at least that's how I think I've been managing things.
I've spoken to people who've been through the same thing and they've all said they were pretty much beside themselves with worry for quite a while even after they heard the word 'remission'. So I don't feel like a complete head the ball for feeling that way myself at times and it's perfectly logical really. I think I just maybe try to be so stoical and ok about it all, that when I'm feeling a bit of a cloud overhead, it shakes my foundations and I feel a bit lost. I know the meds make me feel the way they do and all of that and as much as I don't want to moan, sometimes I have to! So moan, moan, moan and more moaning to feeling like shit and being utterly frustrated that I don't feel the way I used to.
But then, things aren't the way they used to be and I'm not the same person either so I just have to accept that and get on with settling into the changes. Change is ok, change can be the best thing that can happen and that's probably the best way to approach it, even and especially on the shitty days. Life can really just throw a pile of crap on top of you at times and no, it's certainly not easy. It can take every ounce of strength and push that you have to get through it but you should always know that you have that in you. I just have to remind myself of that and keep plugging. There is a helluva lot of amazing stuff going on in my life and I'll be damned if I'll let this shit take over, not a chance!
So that's my rant over for today. I hope I haven't spiralled any of you into glumness, in fact I hope it does quite the opposite and makes you look at all that is positive in your lives...it's always there, sometimes just a little more difficult to find; you just need to shine a light :-)
Love and positive vibes to all of you xox